Two years.......Two years since I last saw your smile or heard your voice. Two years since I kissed your cheek or felt your hugs. Two years since you saw the kids or knew what was happening in their life or have seen how much they have grown. Two years seems so long ago but for me it seems like today. I remember laying on your hospital bed and holding your hand. I remember being there when you took your last breath. The pain and sadness is still very real today. I miss you so much and wish I could call you up and tell you about our day. I wish I could tag you in a picture of the kids on Facebook so you could see their silliness, their beautiful smiles or their accomplishments. I wish you could see how much they have all grown and coming into their own opinionated personalities. I wish you could see them in braces and how much their smiles have changed. I wish you could see them play football, baseball or soccer. I wish you could hear Marlee speak. You never got the chance to hear her sweet precious little voice. I wish you could see CJ and Marlee grow up. They are best friends and play so sweetly together.
I wish you could see how much our lives have changed in two years. Life
is different for me. My perspective has changed a lot. I keep to
myself and probably over think things on all levels. I feel as though I
have become a more quiet person. More calm and peaceful. More of an
introvert. That's how you were. You were calm and quiet.....even
though I look more like moms side of the family, I think I'm a lot like
you in the quiet and peaceful aspect. You weren't one to freak out
about things.....I am just like you. Allison is a lot like you too. You
would be proud of her. She is such a good wife and good mom to CJ. She too keeps to
herself and is calming to be around. I know you would be proud of
Steven. I noticed at Thanksgiving that he has your hands. Made me smile
and teary eyed at the same time. He has grown a lot over the last year
and I know there are things he would wish he could say to you. Things that would make a lot of sense to you now. He's such a great dad to Gracie and Madison and you would be proud of his leading. One day.
#YouShouldBeHere #Memories
There are a million other things I could wish for but this is it.......I just wish you were here.
There's so much that we could say that would fill up these pages easily, yet there seems to be no amount of words that describe how your absence has left such a void in our hearts. The thought of never hearing your actual voice or seeing your sweet smile or feeling your hugs again is too much to bear right now, so we choose to reflect on *some* of the memories that you gave us.
You were shocked and almost fainted when you learned that your little something new had turned out to be two! We were daddy's girls and you loved us so sweetly. You gave us endless butterfly kisses and piggy back rides. You loved picking us up by your feet and playing airplane even after a long day at work.
You taught us about your love of fishing and the patience it took to wait for the "big one". You taught us how to bait a hook with a worm, cricket or even a hot dog. Time may not allow us to fish much these days, but your love of fishing is a hobby we still enjoy to this day.
You taught us how to touch the clouds in Gatlinburg and to enjoy fried chicken and grape Shasta in the back of a red pick up truck.
You helped teach us to ride our bikes and roller skate.
You told us that if we ate watermelon seeds we would have a watermelon grow in our tummies and that pizza crust would help us to grow chest hairs. We're guessing you must have eaten ALOT of pizza crust, wink wink.
We loved it when you would let us ride your motorcycle with you or let us be late for school because you just had to stop and get us a Krispy Kreme donut.
You kept our feet warm with your never ending supply of Barons baseball socks.
You never taught us how to shine our shoes, but we watched you weekly sit in the middle of the hallway floor and shine your shoes. You taught us how to properly detail our cars.
You were always excited to see us when we showed up at your work locations and you even brought us chicken sandwiches from Burger King when we asked.
We gave you plenty of headaches when teaching us the joys of driving a stick shift whether it was in the Barons baseball parking lot or the hill on Shades Mountain, you were patient.
You didn't scream and yell at us when we had a fender bender or get upset when one of us actually left the scene of an accident, ahem, Allison…….You were calm and understanding.
You sent us off with our prom dates while giving them the evil eye that we were your baby girls and they better remember that.
You gave us away at our weddings and enjoyed seeing your grand babies as they were born.
You used to love moon pies and brought them home often. To this day, we can't pass a moon pie box without thinking of you.
You shared your love of cooking, photography and even if you didn't think we were listening, your life skills.
There are many many more memories that we could share, but we would be here all day. I hope you knew that we are so thankful that you were chosen to be our dad. We love you so much and will miss you always!
Love,
your girls
**Allison and I wrote this after dad died in January and my brother read it at his funeral. I thought it would be appropriate to post with today being Father's Day. I miss my dad so much every day. I wish I could just have him here for one more day, one more minute. I can't believe it has been 6 months already since I last saw and talked to him. There are moments when I am fine and then there are those moments when I think of a memory and break down into an ugly cry. I know time will make things easier but I don't think it will ever take away the hole that's in my heart. The hole that says Dad.
I don't watch much tv at all, but I do love to watch, if I catch it, an episode of Criminal Minds. There was an episode the other day of a guy who had lost a loved one and he kept calling her just to hear her voice on her voicemail message. A light bulb went off in my mind and I quickly grabbed my phone to see if I had any old voice mails from my dad and I did! I can't tell you how many times I have listened to those messages just to hear his voice and of course, afterwards, I'm a mess. I don't listen to them to torture myself but to just hear him say I love you, one more time. I hope I never lose those messages because now, they are so precious to me.
Yesterday, Allison, Steven and I met at dad's grave and we just sat there and talked. Shed a few tears and just enjoyed being together. It was the first time that the three of us were there all together since dads funeral. It was good to be there together as we share our first Father's Day without him.
You are forever in our hearts and will always be loved and missed! Happy Father's Day dad!
Also, a very Happy Father's Day to David! He is a great dad to our five munchkins and is the hardest working man I know! Thank you for all you do for us day in and day out! It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated! We love you Pa!
I have a confession to make. It's not pretty but I'm being totally honest here. I've turned into a sap. Yep.......it's the ugly truth but it must be said. If you ask me who my hero is.....I will cry. It is for certain. I can't help it. And then I will apologize for crying but it just comes with no warning or hesitation. My heart is so overwhelmed at God's goodness when I know I don't deserve it.
Once again, actually the 5th time, my hero was rolled down a hallway and taken behind "those doors" for yet another procedure. She just watched me and I could see in her eyes the wonder of who the people in blue were and why was she going with them. It took everything in me to not let out an ugly cry right there in the hallway. But I held it together all the while praying and begging God to please protect her and to hold her in His precious hands.
She was having a second set of tubes put in her ears. A few weeks ago, she had to see a Dr at the Cleft Palate Clinic and they checked her ears. She was not getting a good test for hearing so we made a follow up appointment with our ENT. Apparently, one of her tubes that she had put in this time last year was starting to come out and it was causing so much irritation and infection (that we didn't know about), that the infection was hardening and basically forming a rock in her ear. She couldn't hear out of that ear, bless her. So the ENT decided to put in new tubes and while she was asleep, he would also evaluate her palate for a possible sub mucous cleft.
This sweet girl has been through so much that when she has to have her blood pressure taken or anything else in regards to a dr, she sits there like a champ and lets them do whatever they need to do. She doesn't fuss or cry. She may act shy and give you the evil eye but she acts like a big girl.
Everything went well yesterday but they did find a sub mucous cleft palate which means she could possibly have surgery between 4 and 5 years old. Her muscles are too weak or don't work at all in her throat and mouth to close that palate, especially if it's short. She also has a dead muscle on the left side of her lip which makes one side of her face around her lips not really work. She will have to work with a speech pathologists to try and strengthen those muscles.
Receptively, Marlee has a small delay, like only a few months worth. She obeys and understands what we ask of her. Expressively, she has a significant delay. She only says Momma and most days it is not with the "M" sound. She tucks her bottom lip under her front teeth to form "momma". I'll take it though because I've waited so long to hear her say something. She will say "Uh-oh" sometimes and it is so cute! I know David longs to hear her say "Daddy", but he's just too tough to admit it.
If my sweet girl were to stand in front of you without a shirt on and you were looking at her back, you would definitely be able to tell that one side of her body looks different than the other. But, that's ok. She has been fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe and so anything "new" that we find out is not new to Him. He already knows and just waits for us to trust Him with the findings. I've come to the point where if I hear "new" news, there is this peace in my heart. It doesn't mean that I still don't cry and question but this peace is still......I know it only comes from the Lord.
I still struggle daily because I am human. I want her to have the best life possible with as much love and kindness. I want her to be able to do everything that other 2 1/2 year olds are doing. In my head, I know it will come......but in His timing. He has blessed us with her little life and I hope she always knows how much we love her and are there for her cheering her on.
I know and understand completely that Marlee could have it so much worse. I have seen so many heart breaking things at the hospital or the outpatient buildings and it makes me realize every time I'm in one of those places just how extremely blessed I am. Yes, Marlee has struggles and will possibly have struggles her whole life.......there is no way to know that right now. But what I do know is that God is sovereign. He is loving. If what Marlee goes through brings Him glory then it is all worth it in the end.
Yes, she is my hero and she has no idea. So if you see me in public and you ask me about Marlee, please don't feel bad if I start to cry. They aren't tears of sadness but tears of love and courage and goodness because I know how much of a blessing she is to me and I know how much I don't deserve her. She truly is a gift from God.
Last June, I sat with my feet in the sand in Destin Florida and was in awe as I stared out at the ocean.......as I always am. The ocean is so big and sometimes roars and is loud, but at the same time is just as beautiful, calming, peaceful and relaxing. It does something to my soul. It reminds me of who is in charge. It reminds me that even though I am but a speck of sand in this great big world, the Lord's thoughts of me would outnumber the grains of sand! Psalms 139:17-18 says "17- How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! 18- Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand-when I awake, I am still with you." How awesome to know that the creator of the universe thinks of me in numbers that I can't even count!
I started working on this last June. What started out as feelings I was thinking about turned into mom watching, whether it was at that beach, in the grocery store, at the ballpark, on social media.....you get the gist. My eyes watched other mom's eyes. I could see things that they were trying so hard not to let others see. I shared in some of their thoughts and decided to jot them down.
I See You, Mom
To the mom who longs for a little bit of peace and quiet, I see you
To the mom who works tirelessly and effortlessly to make sure her babies have all they need, I see you
To the mom who eats, showers and sleeps......last, I see you
To the mom whose hands are full but always squeezes in one more item to carry because a little one just can't, I see you
To the mom who wants to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee peacefully or with a friend, I see you
To the mom who washes all the laundry and feels extremely accomplished, only to find that one pair of undies left on the bathroom floor, I see you
To the mom who is staring off into the deepest nooks of her thoughts, I see you
To the mom who is trying to keep up with the Jones', I see you
To the mom who cries because she just can't hear "mama" for the gazillionth time today, I see you
To the mom who patiently longs to hear her little one say "Momma" for the first time, I see you
To the mom who watches her child struggle with everyday seemingly simple things, I see you
To the mom who longs for true meaningful lifelong friendships, I see you
To the mom who feels alone, I see you
To the mom whose child is sick with cancer, a heart defect, breathing issue or any other special need, I see you
To the mom who works two jobs or more so her children can have what they need, I see you
To the mom who stays up late to clean because she didn't have time during the day, I see you
To the mom who protects her children no matter the cost, I see you
To the mom who is tired and weary, I see you
To the mom whose heart is joyful at her child's accomplishments but sad because her child doesn't need her like before, I see you
To the mom who cries quietly while hiding in a closet or taking a shower because she is overwhelmed, I see you
To the mom who replaces batteries in annoying toys for the umpteenth time, I see you
To the mom who cleans up a runny nose or changes sheets in the middle of the night for one reason or another, I see you
To the mom who gets dressed in clothes other than a tshirt and yoga pants, only to find a spit up stain, I see you
To the mom smiling from ear to ear because her little one just learned to walk or ride a bike, I see you
To the mom who is getting ready to send her baby off to kindergarten or college, I see you
To the mom who is the only constant in her little ones life, I see you
To the mom who feels as though her kids aren't as smart, athletic, gifted as others are, I see you
To the mom who feels like she doesn't fit in with that social, sports, church or any group for that matter, I see you
To the mom who is on the go all the time, I see you
To the mom cheering on the sidelines, I see you
To the mom who longs for a hug, I see you
To the mom who feels crazy some days, I see you
To the mom who feels she is not good enough, I see you
To the mom who hides behind her smile so others don't see her hurts, I see you
To the mom who works but longs to stay at home with her little one, I see you
To the mom who wakes up multiple times during the night making sure her babies are safe, I see you
To the mom who is doing life alone, I see you
To the mom who is just trying to make it through each day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I see you
To the mom who feels like she is living a mundane life, I see you
To the mom who kisses every boo-boo, wipes up little hands and feet, gives away the last sip of her favorite drink, gives night night butterfly hugs and kisses, rocks the little one back to sleep when she herself hasn't slept any, I see you
And so does HE!
Every little thing you feel whether good or bad and everything you do is important....it IS important even when you feel no one notices or cares. He notices and cares.
You see, He made you. He knows your feelings of worry, strain, stress, loneliness, and even your feelings of inadequacy.
He knows your joys and your happy's.
He sees all that you are and all that you do no matter how big or small.
You mom, were created by the most High God. A loving and heavenly Father.
A father who knows the pain of losing a child. A father who knows the feelings of rejection. A father who knows the true meaning of love more that anyone could ever imagine. A father, who willingly gifted His only son, so that you could spend eternity with Him. A father who is loving, faithful, forgiving and full of immeasurable grace.
He knows you inside and out. Luke 12:6-7 "6- Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7- Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
He seesyou, He loves you and He is always, always there for you.You are never alone.
Give it to Him and let it go. Give it all to Him and let it go. Even if it means that you do it over and over, let it go. Run to the one who knows you and made you in the palm of His hands!
You, mom, are their treasure. But most importantly, you are HIS treasure.
I heard this song a few months ago and just love it!! It ties in so much with my thoughts. I am so thankful that God allowed me to hear it. Maybe He wanted me to add it? ;-)
Yes, I have actually blogged for a second time this month. It's hard to believe that I used to blog daily. I love to write my thoughts down, but now a days, my thoughts seem to stay in my head more....there's just not much time to write them down. I mean, I am the mom of 5...... with one needing me more in her life right now than the other four ever did. That's ok though. I want her to always know that I am here for her and that she is always protected and safe in my arms. I want the others to know that as well......and they do and they too understand that she needs me a little bit more than they do.
I love them all so much and am blessed to have them in my life. They make me smile and laugh even on the hard days. No matter what I'm going through or thinking or over analyzing....they are there with their smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses, silly looks and so on and even if for just a moment....it makes my heart smile.
It's been a hard few months. It has been sweet to see their compassion and their sadness as well.
Sadly, my grandmother, my dads mom, passed away on Monday, May 11th. Her health had many ups and downs over the last few years, but when my dad passed away in January....I think that just made her health issues worse. Her heart was sad and her body was so very tired and I think she was just ready to go home. Because of Marlee's issues the first two years of her life, I didn't get to go visit my grandmother often. When I heard she was not doing well, my sister and I made a quick trip to Georgia to go visit her to let her know we loved her and for her to meet Marlee. David's grandmother passed away right before Marlee was born so she never got to meet her and she had never met Mason either. David and I regret that we didn't make more time for her to meet Mason so I knew I didn't want that same regret with my grandmother. Even though it was a quick trip, I'm so glad she got to meet Marlee. My grandmother was always so proud of her children and grandchildren.....and now her great grand children. She loved us all with her big heart and her sweet "Hey Shuga's". I will miss that so much.
Yesterday was Memorial Day and honestly, I have to say that it meant more to me yesterday than it ever has before in my life. My dad served in the Army when he was young and he is buried in the Alabama National Cemetery. They had a Memorial Day ceremony yesterday and I knew I didn't want to miss it. It was a very emotional day for me as I visited his grave. To see the flags displayed on each grave and all the people that showed up for the ceremony was so humbling. We truly have the freedoms we have because of God first, then the men and women who have given their life for those freedoms. Thank you to those who have sacrificed their lives for us.
My Aunt Susan tending to my dads grave as captured by an Al.com photographer.
(photo creds: Al.com)
Summer is finally here and I welcome the much needed break. Since we moved last November, we don't have a pool to constantly entertain us over the summer but hopefully we will still have just as much fun. Maybe, I'll be able to jot my thoughts down a little bit more.....we will see.
The beginning of this year did not start off great. In fact..... it sucked and still does at times. My heart hurts in so many ways and for so many different reasons. Sometimes I just sit with my thoughts and that's as far as they go. Sometimes my thoughts go too far trying to over analyze situations, scenarios, people, the what if's, the why's, the how come's...it's too much sometimes. I have to leave those thoughts with the only one who can give me rest. What follows next is no different.
On January 2nd, my step mom let us know she was taking my dad to the emergency room. My dad had been living for 11 years with lymph node cancer that moved to his lungs. He never complained and always seemed to be ok. My dad had to travel to MD Anderson in Houston several times a year for checkups, scans, tests etc and when he went last spring, he was told he would need radiation. He had been on chemo for years and it had kept the cancer "controlled" but now he was going to need radiation and he would have to be in Houston for 8 weeks to go through 30 rounds of radiation. It was hard on him physically and I'm almost positive, emotionally too. I'm so thankful my stepmom was there with him. It was a long 8+ weeks.
He eventually was allowed to come back home and the trip back was rough but he made it. My stepmom took great care in taking care of my dad. She has learned more medical terminology than I'm sure she ever thought. My dad was tired, constantly sick and didn't feel well. We always had hope though. Always hoped that what he was experiencing was just the side affects from the radiation. Sadly, because his immune system was so compromised, we couldn't be around him very much because if we had been exposed to anything, it could hurt him. I was able to visit with him a few times and looking back, I'm so glad I did.
When my dad went to the emergency room, he was in a lot of pain. He assumed it was kidney stone pain...or at least that's how he described the pain. I heard him tell the pain management nurse that he just wanted to go one week with no pain. That's when it hit me how hard he hurt. Up until this point, I had never heard my dad complain about having cancer. My heart hurt knowing my dad was in terrible pain and we couldn't help him. My dad was so sick of being sick. It became so real then. I last spoke to my dad on Sunday, January 4th. We had found out that morning that what the dr's thought was fluid in his lung, was actually a mass.
My dad lost consciousness sometime that evening and he passed away at 1:55am on Thursday, January 8th. My heart broke. After all these years and all of a sudden my dad was gone.
(photo creds: Hoover Police Department)
My dad was a resource officer at one of the elementary schools after he retired from the Hoover Police Department and those kids loved him. They named him Officer Mack and Cheese because he loved macaroni and cheese so much. They honored my dad by planting his favorite tree as part of their Arbor Day celebration. We were so honored to be apart of that day.
I've often heard that when you see a cardinal, that is a loved one reminding you that they are always with you. I'm not sure if that's actually true or not, but I sure have seen a lot. I even had one sit in the tree above my head the other day and watch me wash my car. If you knew my dad, then you knew how meticulous he was about his hair and his police car. Both had to be perfect at all times! When I saw the cardinal, of course I started to cry and then I laughed. Figures he would be watching me wash my car making sure I was getting every little detail just right. Ha!
It's been a few months and the grief is still real and the same as it
was the moment I watched him take his last breath. I don't know if I
will ever be ok knowing that I was there in that moment but I'm so glad I
was. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. Words just don't
adequately express how much we love and miss my dad.
Two years ago today, our lives changed forever. Two years ago today, my life changed forever. It changed in so many ways....I wouldn't even know where to start. We are all different in ways. Of course the obvious....a little grayer, a little heavier, a little older....A LOT more loud, busy and crazy! Ha! Despite my opposition to change, it can be good.
When we arrived at the hospital that morning, I never realized the events of that day would never be forgotten and believe me, I can give you every detail of that day. Sadly, I can't say that about the days my other four were born. But, I can still remember it as if it were today. The joyous feeling we had to the terrified realization that our baby girl might not make it if certain steps weren't taken immediately to ensure her safety. The trauma of her birth and the things that I was experiencing through all of that won't ever be forgotten. It won't be forgotten that I totally missed her being born or hearing her cry for the first time or hearing the Dr's immediate assessment of my girl, but God knew what He was doing and so that's what I hold onto.
When my sweet girl turned 3 months old, I felt in my heart something wasn't right. I remember telling an acquaintance at a mutual friends birthday party that I felt we would be told sometime that year that something was wrong with my girl. Little did I know how true that feeling was. After talking to our pediatrician and him also noting some issues, his quick response started us on the journey of Marlee's diagnosis.
After numerous numerous numerous trips to Children's Hospital, seeing many specialists and having numerous blood tests and tests like MRI's, upper GI's, nasals scopes, swallow studies, sleep studies, echo-cardiograms, ultrasounds, xrays, and the list goes on and on...we had a main diagnosis of 2q11.2 Deletion Syndrome or DiGeorge Syndrome. She was also diagnosed with a subclavian artery that comes off the wrong side of her heart, and a vascular ring which was repaired through surgery at 8 months old. She was also diagnosed with Laryngomalacia, Torticollis, and reflux. The first year of her life was filled with many fears, tears and questions. Here are some pictures of *some* of the things she went through including tests, surgery, physical therapy and a few extras. Some of these I have shared on facebook, but not most of them. I hold these close to my heart as they are so very precious to me. They show her struggles but oh how I can look back now and see how far she has come. :)
And some more......
Her first little year of life was hard. But this second year has been good. Still hard, but good. Praise the Lord, she has been released from most of her specialists because she has done so well. She was just released from physical therapy last week and is currently still in occupational therapy for brachial plexus palsy in her left shoulder. She is also receiving special instruction through the Arc of Shelby County. You can go here, http://youtu.be/Y2qI941HuOY , to see a United Way interview I did for the Arc about Marlee. She does have a speech delay and will more than likely have to start speech therapy in the new year. I long to hear her say "Momma" and "Daddy" but I know it will come.
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet sunshine!! We love you more than you know!!
