On January 2nd, my step mom let us know she was taking my dad to the emergency room. My dad had been living for 11 years with lymph node cancer that moved to his lungs. He never complained and always seemed to be ok. My dad had to travel to MD Anderson in Houston several times a year for checkups, scans, tests etc and when he went last spring, he was told he would need radiation. He had been on chemo for years and it had kept the cancer "controlled" but now he was going to need radiation and he would have to be in Houston for 8 weeks to go through 30 rounds of radiation. It was hard on him physically and I'm almost positive, emotionally too. I'm so thankful my stepmom was there with him. It was a long 8+ weeks.
He eventually was allowed to come back home and the trip back was rough but he made it. My stepmom took great care in taking care of my dad. She has learned more medical terminology than I'm sure she ever thought. My dad was tired, constantly sick and didn't feel well. We always had hope though. Always hoped that what he was experiencing was just the side affects from the radiation. Sadly, because his immune system was so compromised, we couldn't be around him very much because if we had been exposed to anything, it could hurt him. I was able to visit with him a few times and looking back, I'm so glad I did.
When my dad went to the emergency room, he was in a lot of pain. He assumed it was kidney stone pain...or at least that's how he described the pain. I heard him tell the pain management nurse that he just wanted to go one week with no pain. That's when it hit me how hard he hurt. Up until this point, I had never heard my dad complain about having cancer. My heart hurt knowing my dad was in terrible pain and we couldn't help him. My dad was so sick of being sick. It became so real then. I last spoke to my dad on Sunday, January 4th. We had found out that morning that what the dr's thought was fluid in his lung, was actually a mass.
My dad lost consciousness sometime that evening and he passed away at 1:55am on Thursday, January 8th. My heart broke. After all these years and all of a sudden my dad was gone.
My dad was a resource officer at one of the elementary schools after he retired from the Hoover Police Department and those kids loved him. They named him Officer Mack and Cheese because he loved macaroni and cheese so much. They honored my dad by planting his favorite tree as part of their Arbor Day celebration. We were so honored to be apart of that day.
I've often heard that when you see a cardinal, that is a loved one reminding you that they are always with you. I'm not sure if that's actually true or not, but I sure have seen a lot. I even had one sit in the tree above my head the other day and watch me wash my car. If you knew my dad, then you knew how meticulous he was about his hair and his police car. Both had to be perfect at all times! When I saw the cardinal, of course I started to cry and then I laughed. Figures he would be watching me wash my car making sure I was getting every little detail just right. Ha!
It's been a few months and the grief is still real and the same as it was the moment I watched him take his last breath. I don't know if I will ever be ok knowing that I was there in that moment but I'm so glad I was. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. Words just don't adequately express how much we love and miss my dad.
I am forever blessed that he was my dad.
~A
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