Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

There's so much that we could say that would fill up these pages easily, yet there seems to be no amount of words that describe how your absence has left such a void in our hearts.  The thought of never hearing your actual voice or seeing your sweet smile or feeling your hugs again is too much to bear right now, so we choose to reflect on *some* of the memories that you gave us.

You were shocked and almost fainted when you learned that your little something new had turned out to be two! We were daddy's girls and you loved us so sweetly.  You gave us endless butterfly kisses and piggy back rides. You loved picking us up by your feet and playing airplane even after a long day at work.

You taught us about your love of fishing and the patience it took to wait for the "big one".  You taught us how to bait a hook with a worm, cricket or even a hot dog.  Time may not allow us to fish much these days, but your love of fishing is a hobby we still enjoy to this day.

You taught us how to touch the clouds in Gatlinburg and to enjoy fried chicken and grape Shasta in the back of a red pick up truck.

You helped teach us to ride our bikes and roller skate.

 You told us that if we ate watermelon seeds we would have a watermelon grow in our tummies and that pizza crust would help us to grow chest hairs.  We're guessing you must have eaten ALOT of pizza crust, wink wink.

We loved it when you would let us ride your motorcycle with you or let us be late for school because you just had to stop and get us a Krispy Kreme donut.

You kept our feet warm with your never ending supply of Barons baseball socks.

You never taught us how to shine our shoes, but we watched you weekly sit in the middle of the hallway floor and shine your shoes. You taught us how to properly detail our cars.

You were always excited to see us when we showed up at your work locations and you even brought us chicken sandwiches from Burger King when we asked.

We gave you plenty of headaches when teaching us the joys of driving a stick shift whether it was in the Barons baseball parking lot or the hill on Shades Mountain, you were patient.

You didn't scream and yell at us when we had a fender bender or get upset when one of us actually left the scene of an accident, ahem, Allison…….You were calm and understanding.

You sent us off with our prom dates while giving them the evil eye that we were your baby girls and they better remember that.

You gave us away at our weddings and enjoyed seeing your grand babies as they were born.

You used to love moon pies and brought them home often. To this day, we can't pass a moon pie box without thinking of you.

You shared your love of cooking, photography and even if you didn't think we were listening, your life skills.

There are many many more memories that we could share, but we would be here all day. I hope you knew that we are so thankful that you were chosen to be our dad.  We love you so much and will miss you always!

                                                                    Love,
                                                                          your girls


**Allison and I wrote this after dad died in January and my brother read it at his funeral.  I thought it would be appropriate to post with today being Father's Day.  I miss my dad so much every day.  I wish I could just have him here for one more day, one more minute.  I can't believe it has been 6 months already since I last saw and talked to him.  There are moments when I am fine and then there are those moments when I think of a memory and break down into an ugly cry.  I know time will make things easier but I don't think it will ever take away the hole that's in my heart.  The hole that says Dad.

I don't watch much tv at all, but I do love to watch, if I catch it, an episode of Criminal Minds.  There was an episode the other day of a guy who had lost a loved one and he kept calling her just to hear her voice on her voicemail message.  A light bulb went off in my mind and I quickly grabbed my phone to see if I had any old voice mails from my dad and I did! I can't tell you how many times I have listened to those messages just to hear his voice and of course, afterwards, I'm a mess.   I don't listen to them to torture myself but to just hear him say I love you, one more time.  I hope I never lose those messages because now, they are so precious to me.

Yesterday, Allison, Steven and I met at dad's grave and we just sat there and talked.  Shed a few tears and just enjoyed being together.  It was the first time that the three of us were there all together since dads funeral.  It was good to be there together as we share our first Father's Day without him.

 You are forever in our hearts and will always be loved and missed! Happy Father's Day dad!


Also, a very Happy Father's Day to David!  He is a great dad to our five munchkins and is the hardest working man I know! Thank you for all you do for us day in and day out! It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated! We love you Pa!

~A

Tiny Little Hero

I have a confession to make.  It's not pretty but I'm being totally honest here.  I've turned into a sap. Yep.......it's the ugly truth but it must be said. If you ask me who my hero is.....I will cry. It is for certain. I can't help it.  And then I will apologize for crying but it just comes with no warning or hesitation. My heart is so overwhelmed at God's goodness when I know I don't deserve it.

Once again, actually the 5th time, my hero was rolled down a hallway and taken behind "those doors" for yet another procedure. She just watched me and I could see in her eyes the wonder of who the people in blue were and why was she going with them. It took everything in me to not let out an ugly cry right there in the hallway. But I held it together all the while praying and begging God to please protect her and to hold her in His precious hands.

 

She was having a second set of tubes put in her ears. A few weeks ago, she had to see a Dr at the Cleft Palate Clinic and they checked her ears. She was not getting a good test for hearing so we made a follow up appointment with our ENT. Apparently, one of her tubes that she had put in this time last year was starting to come out and it was causing so much irritation and infection (that we didn't know about), that the infection was hardening and basically forming a rock in her ear.  She couldn't hear out of that ear, bless her.  So the ENT decided to put in new tubes and while she was asleep, he would also evaluate her palate for a possible sub mucous cleft.

This sweet girl has been through so much that when she has to have her blood pressure taken or anything else in regards to a dr, she sits there like a champ and lets them do whatever they need to do. She doesn't fuss or cry. She may act shy and give you the evil eye but she acts like a big girl. 

Everything went well yesterday but they did find a sub mucous cleft palate which means she could possibly have surgery between 4 and 5 years old.  Her muscles are too weak or don't work at all in her throat and mouth to close that palate, especially if it's short.  She also has a dead muscle on the left side of her lip which makes one side of her face around her lips not really work.  She will have to work with a speech pathologists to try and strengthen those muscles. 

 Receptively, Marlee has a small delay, like only a few months worth.  She obeys and understands what we ask of her.  Expressively, she has a significant delay. She only says Momma and most days it is not with the "M" sound.  She tucks her bottom lip under her front teeth to form "momma". I'll take it though because I've waited so long to hear her say something. She will say "Uh-oh" sometimes and it is so cute!  I know David longs to hear her say "Daddy", but he's just too tough to admit it. 

If my sweet girl were to stand in front of you without a shirt on and you were looking at her back, you would definitely be able to tell that one side of her body looks different than the other.  But, that's ok.  She has been fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe and so anything "new" that we find out is not new to Him. He already knows and just waits for us to trust Him with the findings.  I've come to the point where if I hear "new" news, there is this peace in my heart. It doesn't mean that I still don't cry and question but this peace is still......I know it only comes from the Lord.

I still struggle daily because I am human.  I want her to have the best life possible with as much love and kindness.  I want her to be able to do everything that other 2 1/2 year olds are doing. In my head, I know it will come......but in His timing.  He has blessed us with her little life and I hope she always knows how much we love her and are there for her cheering her on.

I know and understand completely that Marlee could have it so much worse. I have seen so many heart breaking things at the hospital or the outpatient buildings and it makes me realize every time I'm in one of those places just how extremely blessed I am.  Yes, Marlee has struggles and will possibly have struggles her whole life.......there is no way to know that right now. But what I do know is that God is sovereign. He is loving. If what Marlee goes through brings Him glory then it is all worth it in the end. 

Yes, she is my hero and she has no idea. So if you see me in public and you ask me about Marlee, please don't feel bad if I start to cry.  They aren't tears of sadness but tears of love and courage and goodness because I know how much of a blessing she is to me and I know how much I don't deserve her.  She truly is a gift from God.

I love you my little Sunshine!

~A