I See You, Mom

Last June, I sat with my feet in the sand in Destin Florida and was in awe as I stared out at the ocean.......as I always am.  The ocean is so big and sometimes roars and is loud, but at the same time is just as beautiful,  calming, peaceful and relaxing. It does something to my soul.  It reminds me of who is in charge. It reminds me that even though I am but a speck of sand in this great big world, the Lord's thoughts of me would outnumber the grains of sand!  Psalms 139:17-18 says "17- How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! 18- Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand-when I awake, I am still with you."  How awesome to know that the creator of the universe thinks of me in numbers that I can't even count!

I started working on this last June. What started out as feelings I was thinking about turned into mom watching, whether it was at that beach, in the grocery store, at the ballpark, on social media.....you get the gist. My eyes watched other mom's eyes. I could see things that they were trying so hard not to let others see.  I shared in some of their thoughts and decided to jot them down.  


I See You, Mom

To the mom who longs for a little bit of peace and quiet, I see you

To the mom who works tirelessly and effortlessly to make sure her babies have all they need, I see you

To the mom who eats, showers and sleeps......last, I see you

To the mom whose hands are full but always squeezes in one more item to carry because a little one just can't, I see you

To the mom who wants to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee peacefully or with a friend, I see you 

To the mom who washes all the laundry and feels extremely accomplished, only to find that one pair of undies left on the bathroom floor, I see you

To the mom who is staring off into the deepest nooks of her thoughts, I see you

To the mom who is trying to keep up with the Jones', I see you

To the mom who cries because she just can't hear "mama" for the gazillionth time today, I see you

To the mom who patiently longs to hear her little one say "Momma" for the first time, I see you

To the mom who watches her child struggle with everyday seemingly simple things, I see you

To the mom who longs for true meaningful lifelong friendships, I see you

To the mom who feels alone, I see you

To the mom whose child is sick with cancer, a heart defect, breathing issue or any other special need, I see you

To the mom who works two jobs or more so her children can have what they need, I see you

To the mom who stays up late to clean because she didn't have time during the day, I see you

To the mom who protects her children no matter the cost, I see you

To the mom who is tired and weary, I see you

To the mom whose heart is joyful at her child's accomplishments but sad because her child doesn't need her like before, I see you

To the mom who cries quietly while hiding in a closet or taking a shower because she is overwhelmed, I see you

To the mom who replaces batteries in annoying toys for the umpteenth time, I see you

To the mom who cleans up a runny nose or changes sheets in the middle of the night for one reason or another, I see you

To the mom who gets dressed in clothes other than a tshirt and yoga pants, only to find a spit up stain, I see you

To the mom smiling from ear to ear because her little one just learned to walk or ride a bike, I see you

To the mom who is getting ready to send her baby off to kindergarten or college, I see you

To the mom who is the only constant in her little ones life, I see you

To the mom who feels as though her kids aren't as smart, athletic, gifted as others are, I see you

To the mom who feels like she doesn't fit in with that social, sports, church or any group for that matter, I see you

To the mom who is on the go all the time, I see you

To the mom cheering on the sidelines, I see you

To the mom who longs for a hug, I see you

To the mom who feels crazy some days, I see you

To the mom who feels she is not good enough, I see you

To the mom who hides behind her smile so others don't see her hurts, I see you

To the mom who works but longs to stay at home with her little one, I see you

To the mom who wakes up multiple times during the night making sure her babies are safe, I see you

To the mom who is doing life alone, I see you

To the mom who is just trying to make it through each day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I see you

To the mom who feels like she is living a mundane life, I see you

To the mom who kisses every boo-boo, wipes up little hands and feet, gives away the last sip of her favorite drink, gives night night butterfly hugs and kisses, rocks the little one back to sleep when she herself hasn't slept any, I see you

And so does HE!

Every little thing you feel whether good or bad and everything you do is important....it IS important even when you feel no one notices or cares. He notices and cares.

You see, He made you. He knows your feelings of worry, strain, stress, loneliness, and even your feelings of inadequacy.

He knows your joys and your happy's. 

He sees all that you are and all that you do no matter how big or small.

You mom, were created by the most High God. A loving and heavenly Father.

A father who knows the pain of losing a child. A father who knows the feelings of rejection. A father who knows the true meaning of love more that anyone could ever imagine.  A father, who willingly gifted His only son, so that you could spend eternity with Him.  A father who is loving, faithful, forgiving and full of immeasurable grace.

He knows you inside and out. Luke 12:6-7 "6- Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7- Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

He sees you, He loves you and He is always, always there for you. You are never alone.

Give it to Him and let it go. Give it all to Him and let it go. Even if it means that you do it over and over, let it go.  Run to the one who knows you and made you in the palm of His hands!

You, mom, are their treasure. But most importantly, you are HIS treasure.

I heard this song a few months ago and just love it!! It ties in so much with my thoughts.  I am so thankful that God allowed me to hear it. Maybe He wanted me to add it? ;-)

PLEASE take a minute and watch it!!






~A

Two Times?

Yes, I have actually blogged for a second time this month. It's hard to believe that I used to blog daily. I love to write my thoughts down, but now a days, my thoughts seem to stay in my head more....there's just not much time to write them down.  I mean, I am the mom of 5...... with one needing me more in her life right now than the other four ever did. That's ok though. I want her to always know that I am here for her and that she is always protected and safe in my arms. I want the others to know that as well......and they do and they too understand that she needs me a little bit more than they do. 

I love them all so much and am blessed to have them in my life. They make me smile and laugh even on the hard days. No matter what I'm going through or thinking or over analyzing....they are there with their smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses, silly looks and so on and even if for just a moment....it makes my heart smile.

It's been a hard few months. It has been sweet to see their compassion and their sadness as well. 

Sadly, my grandmother, my dads mom, passed away on Monday, May 11th.  Her health had many ups and downs over the last few years, but when my dad passed away in January....I think that just made her health issues worse. Her heart was sad and her body was so very tired and I think she was just ready to go home.  Because of Marlee's issues the first two years of her life, I didn't get to go visit my grandmother often. When I heard she was not doing well, my sister and I made a quick trip to Georgia to go visit her to let her know we loved her and for her to meet Marlee. David's grandmother passed away right before Marlee was born so she never got to meet her and she had never met Mason either.  David and I regret that we didn't make more time for her to meet Mason so I knew I didn't want that same regret with my grandmother.  Even though it was a quick trip, I'm so glad she got to meet Marlee.  My grandmother was always so proud of her children and grandchildren.....and now her great grand children. She loved us all with her big heart and her sweet "Hey Shuga's".  I will miss that so much.

Yesterday was Memorial Day and honestly, I have to say that it meant more to me yesterday than it ever has before in my life. My dad served in the Army when he was young and he is buried in the Alabama National Cemetery. They had a Memorial Day ceremony yesterday and I knew I didn't want to miss it.  It was a very emotional day for me as I visited his grave. To see the flags displayed on each grave and all the people that showed up for the ceremony was so humbling.  We truly have the freedoms we have because of God first, then the men and women who have given their life for those freedoms.  Thank you to those who have sacrificed their lives for us.




 



My Aunt Susan tending to my dads grave as captured by an Al.com photographer.


(photo creds: Al.com)

Summer is finally here and I welcome the much needed break. Since we moved last November, we don't have a pool to constantly entertain us over the summer but hopefully we will still have just as much fun. Maybe, I'll be able to jot my thoughts down a little bit more.....we will see. 

~A

Well, 2015.....

The beginning of this year did not start off great. In fact..... it sucked and still does at times. My heart hurts in so many ways and for so many different reasons.  Sometimes I just sit with my thoughts and that's as far as they go. Sometimes my thoughts go too far trying to over analyze situations, scenarios, people, the what if's, the why's, the how come's...it's too much sometimes. I have to leave those thoughts with the only one who can give me rest. What follows next is no different.

On January 2nd,  my step mom let us know she was taking my dad to the emergency room.  My dad had been living for 11 years with lymph node cancer that moved to his lungs. He never complained and always seemed to be ok. My dad had to travel to MD Anderson in Houston several times a year for checkups, scans, tests etc and when he went last spring, he was told he would need radiation.  He had been on chemo for years and it had kept the cancer "controlled" but now he was going to need radiation and he would have to be in Houston for 8 weeks to go through 30 rounds of radiation. It was hard on him physically and I'm almost positive, emotionally too. I'm so thankful my stepmom was there with him. It was a long 8+ weeks.

He eventually was allowed to come back home and the trip back was rough but he made it. My stepmom took great care in taking care of my dad. She has learned more medical terminology than I'm sure she ever thought. My dad was tired, constantly sick and didn't feel well.  We always had hope though. Always hoped that what he was experiencing was just the side affects from the radiation. Sadly, because his immune system was so compromised, we couldn't be around him very much because if we had been exposed to anything, it could hurt him.  I was able to visit with him a few times and looking back, I'm so glad I did. 

When my dad went to the emergency room, he was in a lot of pain. He assumed it was kidney stone pain...or at least that's how he described the pain.  I heard him tell the pain management nurse that he just wanted to go one week with no pain. That's when it hit me how hard he hurt.  Up until this point, I had never heard my dad complain about having cancer. My heart hurt knowing my dad was in terrible pain and we couldn't help him.  My dad was so sick of being sick. It became so real then.  I last spoke to my dad on Sunday, January 4th. We had found out that morning that what the dr's thought was fluid in his lung,  was actually a mass. 

My dad lost consciousness sometime that evening and he passed away at 1:55am on Thursday, January 8th.  My heart broke.  After all these years and all of a sudden my dad was gone. 

(photo creds: Hoover Police Department)


My dad was a resource officer at one of the elementary schools after he retired from the Hoover Police Department and those kids loved him.  They named him Officer Mack and Cheese because he loved macaroni and cheese so much. They honored my dad by planting his favorite tree as part of their Arbor Day celebration. We were so honored to be apart of that day.

I've often heard that when you see a cardinal, that is a loved one reminding you that they are always with you. I'm not sure if that's actually true or not, but I sure have seen a lot. I even had one sit in the tree above my head the other day and watch me wash my car. If you knew my dad, then you knew how meticulous he was about his hair and his police car. Both had to be perfect at all times! When I saw the cardinal, of course I started to cry and then I laughed. Figures he would be watching me wash my car making sure I was getting every little detail just right. Ha!

It's been a few months and the grief is still real and the same as it was the moment I watched him take his last breath. I don't know if I will ever be ok knowing that I was there in that moment but I'm so glad I was.  I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.  Words just don't adequately  express how much we love and miss my dad.

I am forever blessed that he was my dad.

~A

Two Years.....Wait What?

Two years ago today, our lives changed forever. Two years ago today, my life changed forever. It changed in so many ways....I wouldn't even know where to start.  We are all different in ways. Of course the obvious....a little grayer, a little heavier, a little older....A LOT more loud, busy and crazy! Ha! Despite my opposition to change, it can be good.

When we arrived at the hospital that morning, I never realized the events of that day would never be forgotten and believe me, I can give you every detail of that day. Sadly, I can't say that about the days my other four were born.  But, I can still remember it as if it were today.  The joyous feeling we had to the terrified realization that our baby girl might not make it if certain steps weren't taken immediately to ensure her safety. The trauma of her birth and the things that I was experiencing through all of that won't ever be forgotten. It won't be forgotten that I totally missed her being born or hearing her cry for the first time or hearing the Dr's immediate assessment of my girl, but God knew what He was doing and so that's what I hold onto.

When my sweet girl turned 3 months old, I felt in my heart something wasn't right.  I remember telling an acquaintance at a mutual friends birthday party that I felt we would be told sometime that year that something was wrong with my girl.  Little did I know how true that feeling was.  After talking to our pediatrician and him also noting some issues, his quick response started us on the journey of Marlee's diagnosis. 

After numerous numerous numerous trips to Children's Hospital, seeing many specialists and having numerous blood tests and tests like MRI's, upper GI's, nasals scopes, swallow studies, sleep studies, echo-cardiograms, ultrasounds, xrays, and the list goes on and on...we had a main diagnosis of 2q11.2 Deletion Syndrome or DiGeorge Syndrome. She was also diagnosed with a subclavian artery that comes off the wrong side of her heart, and a vascular ring which was repaired through surgery at 8 months old. She was also diagnosed with Laryngomalacia, Torticollis, and reflux.  The first year of her life was filled with many fears, tears and questions. Here are some pictures of *some* of the things she went through including tests, surgery, physical therapy and a few extras.  Some of these I have shared on facebook, but not most of them. I hold these close to my heart as they are so very precious to me. They show her struggles but oh how I can look back now and see how far she has come. :)

 

And some more......

 

Her first little year of life was hard. But this second year has been good. Still hard, but good. Praise the Lord, she has been released from most of her specialists because she has done so well. She was just released from physical therapy last week and is currently still in occupational therapy for brachial plexus palsy in her left shoulder.  She is also receiving special instruction through the Arc of Shelby County.  You can go here,  http://youtu.be/Y2qI941HuOY , to see a United Way interview I did for the Arc about Marlee.  She does have a speech delay and will more than likely have to start speech therapy in the new year.  I long to hear her say "Momma" and "Daddy" but I know it will come.

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet sunshine!! We love you more than you know!!

~A