I don't know if you can understand this, but it took me a while to be ok with her diagnosis. All of the driving back and forth to Children's Hospital and all the different specialists she was having to see left me in a fog. I was always waiting for more bad news. Fear gripped my heart. I also questioned God as to why. Why, after four relatively healthy children, did our fifth have to have something wrong? Did I do something? I didn't feel as though I was being punished but I felt like, why me? I had a lot of emotions running rampant and I just couldn't figure out what to do or how to handle them. I was very sensitive to things....things that shouldn't have bothered me but they did. I felt sad. I felt very alone. I felt like no one could understand this momma's heart. I would go through times where I felt like people didn't understand and they didn't care to understand. But God did. During those times that I was seeking happiness through others, God lovingly and consistently asked me if He was enough. Was He enough in my life? Did I trust Him? Did I trust Him with Marlee's life? Did I trust Him with my family's life? Did I trust Him with the future? I guess He made me look at myself and realize that sadly, I didn't.
He has been working on me though. He is showing me that He IS enough. I really don't know how to explain it, but at this moment in my life, I can honestly say that God has given me a complete peace about her precious little life. He made her just the way she is. He and He alone is in control of every aspect of her life. He has taught me that over and over this last year. He is constantly teaching me how much He loves me through her adorable smile, her contagious little laugh and her precious spirit. I may not ever know why He chose to bless us this way and yes, I look at her diagnosis as a blessing. This girl has my heart in so many ways, y'all! I can definitely say that it has opened up my eyes at how I took the health of my other children for granted. It has softened my heart to those that do have special needs children. Her diagnosis has taught me a little about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. And it's NOT my strength, but God's strength through me. He is the one who has given me the strength and stamina to go through all that she has gone through. It is His grace that has gotten me through the scary times. I am so thankful for the hope in Him!
So now, this momma is on a mission! My hope is that others would become more aware of DiGeorge Syndrome! I have been praying that God would show me how to make others aware. That He would open doors for His glory to shine through! I know He has big things in store for Marlee and for us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that her life and her diagnosis is for a specific reason. I may not know now what that is, but I just know in my heart........
My loves!!
~A
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